Views: 122 · Added: 10 days ago
It has always been there, living inside me...this tendency toward feeding guilt. I'm not sure why, really. Maybe it's just who I am and how I'm wired. Maybe it’s my innate tendency to analyze things, to separate them into their individual strands and twist myself up in their examination. Maybe it's to do with the stars...ever the Virgo perfectionist, being too hard on myself. Either way, it is a beast, this guilt. Sure, it starts out small, mere trinkets of thoughts scattered here and there about my soul. But soon enough, these thoughts take root, and begin to thrive in the fertile soil of deeper self-doubt. Its roots begin to thicken, and deepen, sliding through my gut sharp tendrils that slice and wind about my insides. Like stubborn thistle in a summer garden, it seeks to take me over. The beast is always hungry, and it feeds on me. It greedily consumes anything in me that resembles hope or light, and sneers at me as it licks the last of my will from its lips. This sense of being stripped of anything that could be called beauty or grace and having the flavor sucked from my bones, breeds self-hatred. Contempt deeper than anyone could see. When the beast is in a feeding frenzy, my spirit goes limp...and my only focus is avoiding my reflection, for I can't bear looking into my own eyes. No amount of good done during these times can pierce through the dense shadow that guilt casts over me.
For nearly as long as I can remember, I've been looking for something. A way to break free, perhaps. A way to escape the torment. A way to make the beast sleep long enough that I might lay my own head down. But, unrefined and lacking direction (as I always had, by the way) my ways were, admittedly, not always the best. I started small...with tiny gestures of self-loathing...burying myself under my own constant relentless criticism. But I was a quick-study in the finer arts of self-punishment, and advanced quickly. Before long I was on an out-of-control spiral of self-injury and self-sabotage, the specifics of which need not be hashed out here.
Also for as long as I can remember, I've been drawn to accountability. Not drawn in the simplest of terms, but rather, felt a need for it that ached, and pestered the back of my mind. I dreamed of what I lacked. Someone who would not only discourage self-injurious behavior, but would flat out not allow it. A confidante who I could count on to be kind and understanding, yet unwaveringly firm. Someone who would do whatever was necessary to save me from myself. And this...this is where you found me. Stuck in a world of mirrors, with my trembling hands pressed firmly over my eyes. Hungry for direction and boundaries to keep me safe. Paralyzed by fear and inconsistency, and chained to a beast of my own making.
The earliest words we shared were formal and polite...the way they often are when strangers meet. But soon it became clear to me that we were not strangers. Yes, we had never met...but there was a familiarity there, whose only explanation involves exploring the dynamics of a universe who determines two paths will cross, and keeps spinning things in different directions until the inevitable takes place. Yes, I think it would be safe to say I was at home with you from the start.
Over the following days and weeks, time unraveled before us...it became our friend. Days slipped into nights and crept back into early mornings as the stories of our respective lives were etched into one another. No detail was too minor, no memory insignificant. I began to learn things about myself...the first of which was that I was hungry, and had been for a very long time. I was hungry to talk and have my thoughts not fall on deaf ears, but to have them absorbed and understood. You were patient, and put effort into knowing me. You challenged me, and would not accept the surface trappings I afforded the rest of the world...so I dug a little deeper.
Timidly, within the safety of what I'd found with you, I began to bare a soul that had been suffering under the weight of hurt and neglect...so, it wasn't long before the beast named guilt raised its hungry head in your presence. What happened then was unexpected and life changing. There was a wall...an abrupt declaration that guilt was counterproductive and self-defeating and would not be tolerated. To make the point clear, to provide the atonement I desperately needed, and to back the beast down, I would for the first time learn a "lesson" from you. I was placed over your knee, my bottom was bared, and I was soundly punished for my part in a situation that had been slowly sucking the life from me for the better part of a decade. Following my punishment I found the other half of what I had been missing...tenderness. Arms that held me unselfishly, and the understanding and assurance that I had been made accountable, and that it was now my duty to forgive myself. For those in the world who do not believe in miracles, I wish I could invite them to the days that followed that first spanking. Like the flipping of a switch, I had changed. For the first time in years the beast was sleeping...and something new breathed within me. Hope for a better way to deal with things.
Since my first spanking, I'm sorry to say, I have found myself in the position of requiring punishment on several occasions. On my knees before you, knowing what was to come. I hear your voice, the tone so much sharper than normal saying how deeply disappointed you are in my actions. Those words, that tone, it breaks me. Hurts me. But it breaks me in a way I need to be broken. I need to feel your displeasure with my behavior match my own. It echoes what I know to be the truth, that what I've done is unacceptable and things must change. Then, as you deliver what is needed, and fire erupts on my backside…the world becomes still. Nothing moves or blurs, and I'm able to see things clearly. I'm able to find a path through my obstacles and rest in the knowledge of a course of direction. Then guilt, seeing there is nothing there to feed on goes and lies back down. At the departure of my enemy I am able to feel fully safe, and give myself over in devoted submission to you, the one who tamed the beast.
This is a journey still in its infancy in many ways, but already I've learned so much. I’ve learned that I am strong and capable. That my thoughts matter and are valid and of value to others. I’ve learned that with a little direction, care, nurturing, and yes, discipline...I become softer and more honest with myself and approach the world more gently. I’ve learned to appreciate other people’s needs, even if they differ from my own. After having spent so much time hating myself, I've learned, I was a creature made for love, devotion, and yes...submission. Made to thrive, and be vibrant and playful as a daisy dancing and bowing under the force of the breeze. I've begun to appreciate myself again. I can look into my eyes and, as if for the first time, see creativity and light.
One might ask if I’ve found freedom...and I would say it’s more than that. How do you explain the ability to walk and your feet not touch the ground, to fly but never take to the air? To say the word freedom just isn't enough…because freedom means nothing if you've never been shackled. So I don't say I'm free. I say I'm wild and raw, boiled down to my essence and moving as a force like the wind. Unbound. Undefined. I'm unchained.
3 comments ·
Views: 114 · Added: 10 days ago
Hey ya'll, its been a ehile since i posted, i no longer have a mentor because i have found my first real boyfriend! He had said he's going to start spanking me but the only way i could get him to agree is if he only ever uses his hand and quite frankly im okay with that. I hope he does stary spanking me though because its been rough not having my mentor. I been misbehaving a lot. But we are new into this relationship, almost two months :)
2 comments ·
Views: 100 · Added: 10 days ago
When I was in middle school, before I discovered spanking videos, I would sneak onto the family computer in search of spanking stories. While most were forgettable, I've always remembered one story that I found and loved, called "Suzie Gets a Spanking."
Many years have passed, but I still remember my boyhood love for this story and my adolescent wish that a friend's mom would put me across her knee for a similar spanking.
Here's the link: http://thehandprints.com/hpSuzieSpanked.html
0 comments ·
Views: 77 · Added: 10 days ago
I just love it when the weather gets colder and we go towards winter.
This is because I know that after a warm summer and autum is will be time for my wife to bring her black leather pants out from the closet for casual wear during the day.
In summertime she naturely does not wear her leather pants unless she wants to give me a treat.
Then she will wear them, when I am going to get a spanking over her knees and she knows that it turns me on big time.
But now here in december and during the winter months she often wears her leather pants and I just love to see her in them.
The fact that my wife is now wearing her leather pants again also increases the number of spankings I recieve from her, so I have a win win situation going for me right now.
I so enjoy every spanking I recieve from my wife all year round, but it makes it very special and exciting when she wears her black leather pants for my spankings.
I have absolutely NO control over my erection when she sits on her chair in those leather pants and scolds me before my spanking.
It is a very embarassing and humuliating state I am in when she takes my pants and underwear down and tells me to get over her knees for my spanking.
The feeling of excitement is enourmous as I lay myself over her leather clad knees and even though I have a huge erection at that point, my wife will make it go away very quickly and all I feel is pain and agony as spanks me hard and thoroughly.
My behavior for the past week has been bad and I think that I will be punished when the weekend comes.
I can only hope that she will deal with my behavior soon and wear her black leather pants, when she punishes me.
I just love winter :-)
1 comments ·
Views: 121 · Added: 11 days ago
Hey, they do in a pinch when you don't have a relationship and in-person professional stuff is just to damn expensive for the average Joe. Would like to hear from any of those who have enjoyed phone fantasies.
6 comments ·
Views: 122 · Added: 11 days ago
I kidnapped your reigndeer and if I don't get what I want,the deer gets it..muaaah signed lisabrat
Views: 91 · Added: 11 days ago
Dieses Wochenende war ich zusammen mit meinem lieben Vikingboy in Hamburg auf der 53. Spankodrom.
Das war meine erste Spankingparty und auch generell mein erstes Mal das ich "öffentlich" was mache.
Von daher war dieses Wochenende meine Premiere ich war das erstemal auf einer Party , ich habe mich das erste mal in der Öffentlichen Spankingszene bewegen, habe ganz viele neue & nette leute kennen lernen und an diesem Wochenende hatte ich auch mein erstes halboffenes Spanking.
Viele viele Eindrücke für ein Wochenende aber ich habe mich sehr darauf gefreut und hatte viel Spaß.
Leider konnte mein lieber Begleiter erst am Samstag anreisen und ich bin schon seit Freitags angereist aber man kann auch alleine hier eine menge Spaß haben und neue Leute kennen lernen.
Freitag Abend war ich zusammen mit "PapaC" auch der Prefete im Basement. Ich fand es sehr schön und gemütlich da. Ich konnte erste Kontakte knüpfen und hab ein paar sehr schöne Gespräche führen können.
Als es am Samstag dann ins Cantonium zur Nikolausparty ging war ich unglaublich aufgerecht und gespannt wie es wird.
Ich bin super dankbar über meine Begleiter, die mich zwischenzeitig immer mal beruhigt haben und mir meine anspannung genommen haben. Wir wurden sehr nett begrüßt und ich habe mir zu beginn erstmal alles in ruhe angeschaut. Das Cantonium ist ein sehr schöner Laden/Club. Man ist schnell ins Gespräch mit anderen gekommen und konnte sich gut Austauschen.
Nachdem der Nikolaus da war ging es für mich dann auch ans Spielen. Ich wurde das erste Mal vor anderen verhauen. Ich habe es mir viel schlimmer vorgestellt als es im endeffekt war. Es war sehr entspannt und wir hatten einigen Spaß dabei.
Im allgemeinen hat mir die Party sehr viel spaß gemacht, ich hab viele neue Eindrücke und Erfahrungen sammeln können. Und werde den Abend positiv in Erinnerung behalten.
Views: 114 · Added: 11 days ago
Hello. Please tell us! Husband decided to give ass paddle. He was not pleased. Belt and ginger taught me slowly. We live in Russia. Russia did not use the paddle, and you can not buy a good paddle. We have to do it yourself. What size it should be easy to apply? Do need a hole in the paddle? In what position is best to take a spanking? Do I need to lubricate the ass for punishment? Help us to learn how to use this device.
4 comments ·
Views: 40 · Added: 11 days ago
to see female in santa outfit or naughty elf or santa outfit then dream being spanked by them or wanting sit on female santa lap then going over lap for spanking for being naughty lol
Views: 193 · Added: 11 days ago
Christmas, Christmas,Christmas! It's soooo exciting. I think I might just actually burst! the excitement gets so much sometimes that I have to scrunch my toes, clench my fists and squeeze everything really, really tight! I squeezed so tightly the other day, something near my shoulder actually made a popping sound!
Our decorations are up now, and they look soooo beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen our living room look this good. I wish it could stay like this forever. Our tree is the tallest too. it's taller than me, although that wouldn't be much of an achievement. I'm quite small. But it's even taller than Alex and he's really,really tall! It's the twinkliest ever too. Well, I might be fibbing a little bit. It was really twinkly, but some of the lights have stopped working so now it looks a little sparse in places. But I love our christmas tree all the same. I've named it Casper the Christmas tree: ) it will be a sad day when Casper has to go back in to the cupboard.
I really do think this Christmas is going to be the best one yet, and I know I say this every time. But this time I really do believe it with all my heart. I have some really special people in my life, so it's hard not to believe that every moment is going to be absolutely magical:) then there's presents. Oh my goodness, this is just too exciting!I have to try hard not to think about presents too much. I would love more than anything to have a monster onesie. I love monsters, and fluffy cosy things. I feel unwell ALOT so cosy things feel sooooo nice. Mmmmmm, it's like a big fluffy cuddle!
Me and Alex got to do some role play over the weekend too:) I hadn't been spanked for over 3 months! Well not punishment spankings anyway. So I was a little nervous. We were doing a daddy/little girl scence, where I had been keeping bugs under the bed. Kind of appropriate since I do always bring injured creatures in to the flat! And it meant that I got to wear my fairytale dress, which is always a treat. I can't help but smile and twirl around when I'm in it. However the spanking hurt more than I had anticipated. And I was the biggest baby ever and I cried hehehehe. There is a film, but the laptops broken again. I think it's my fault. But I don't want to say too much about it in case I get in to trouble. Well, I know it's a little early but I hope you all have a magical Christmas:)
15 comments ·
Views: 98 · Added: 12 days ago
Not to early to start wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Hope all of you are enjoying life and getting out of it what you desire. Enjoy the food and drink but please be careful with the alcohol and not mix driving a car with it. All the best today and everyday in the coming year. :-)
7 comments ·
Views: 135 · Added: 12 days ago
okay gonna try to upload the video again
in the meantime, check out the photos i uploaded of the spanking in the photo section
5 comments ·
Views: 106 · Added: 12 days ago
Well it has been awhile my friends. I am afraid that work took over the past few weeks,but finally I am able to kick back and relax. I have the house to myself today as both Jen and my niece are gone to the city,Jenny still has to work and my niece has one more assessment to finish;but I am a lady of leisure,at least for a few hours. I am looking out of my study window at a very dull,grey day.The countryside does look bleak. I am not a fan of this time of year;I much rather the summer time,but at least this time of year brings around the usual work parties.
Last weekend Jen and I stayed in the city as on Friday night we attended Jenny's Xmas work party and on Saturday night it was my 'office party'. Jenny's work party is a rather large affair.Because so many people in her line of work work shifts,there is a number of parties held so that people are accommadated. Jen and I put on our best last Friday and off we went.The food was good,the drink was flowing,but I was a little left out when those sharing our table,all Jenny's colleagues, began to discuss work. I wondered off and in the bar I got talking to a half drunk guy about football and the cost of living. He bought me a few drinks and I returned the favour,no idea what his name was,but he was nice guy.By the end of our conversation both he and I were fully drunk. I went outside to get some air and Jenny went crazy trying to find me;she did eventually! We stayed in a hotel that night and the following day went about the city shopping,trying not forget a present for everyone.
Saturday night we attended my work party. It is the same every year,a group of seasoned academics trying to relive,through drink,their student days. There was a lot of food left over as this was mainly a drinking affair. We shared our table with a few of my colleagues,one of which became what can only be described as besotted by Jen. My colleague is old enough to be Jenny's Dad. I found this quite funny,especially when he kept talking to her.I know when Jenny is about to get pissed off,this half smile appears and she fixes her nemisis with a hard stare. Everyone was having fun,it was a quite loud evening.Speeches were made,including one by me,so I had to stay sober until my speech was finished. The DJ began to play music and Jenny was asked to dance by my colleague,her new stalker. She looked at me and I whispered to her to just humour him,however I had no idea what would happen next.
As Jen and my colleague made their way onto the dance floor,I became distracted by another colleague who is against hunting as I am and will be supporting my efforts to disrupt the annual hunt in my area the day after Xmas day. As I spoke with my colleague suddenly I heard gasps. I looked and at that split second saw Jenny holding the wrist of my colleague in some kind of hold,the things she learns at work!!!! .He stood there looking stunned as she began to berate him. She returned to her seat.The people at our table had seen what happened to spark Jenny's fury and even one suggested that she should have him arrested.It turned out that while dancing,my colleague,who was the worse the wear for drink tried to fondle Jenny's bottom. I went to my colleague and spoke to him outside,he was clearly very drunk and a bit confused,maybe it was shock upon hearing what Jenny does for a living! He made no sense and I thought it best to put him in a Taxi and send him home. Jenny was not really upset but she felt she had to put him in his place. Everyone began to buy her drinks,poor Jenny was rat arsed by the end of the night.
On Sunday my colleague who had the run in with Jenny phoned me and apologised.I handed the phone to Jenny who accepted his apology. He had been drinking for most of the day before the party.We assured him that the matter was now at an end.I made it clear that I am the only one allowed to fondle Jenny's bottom.LOL! We came home yesterday afternoon to my niece looking very sullen.She and her boyfriend had had a little tiff,however within the hour they had made up and he was round our house with a box of Jaffa Cakes and a 1.5 litre bottle of Club Orange.
Now,what to do with the rest of the day? I will take Justin for a walk through the fields I think.I may even have time to read before putting the dinner on and then cuddle up in front of the TV. I have Jenny's Xmas presents bought,my niece says she just wants cash,have to get her something too though,shouldn't always be about cash this time of year.
I do hope that all of you are keeping well and may the flu and chest infections keep away from your door!Be safe my friends.
Views: 245 · Added: 12 days ago
Grade To Date: 96.56% View grade book by: Unit | Item
Assignment Points Percentage of Final Grade
Earned to Date Percentage of Final Grade
Possible for Course
Course Home -
- Week 1 - Post Your Introduction 3/3 3 % 3 %
- Week 1 - Discussion 1 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 1 - Discussion 2 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 2 - Discussion 1 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 2 - Discussion 2 3/3 3 % 3 %
- Week 2 - Assignment 9.25/10 9.25 % 10 %
- Week 3 - Discussion 1 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 3 - Discussion 2 3/3 3 % 3 %
- Week 3 - Assignment 9.01/10 9.01 % 10 %
- Week 4 - Discussion 1 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 4 - Discussion 2 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 4 - Assignment 9.37/10 9.37 % 10 %
- Week 5 - Discussion 1 3/3 3 % 3 %
- Week 5 - Discussion 2 4/4 4 % 4 %
- Week 5 - Final Paper 28.93/30 28.93 % 30 %
Total 96.56% (of 100% Completed)
Grade To Date: 96.56%
yes so I passed my last class with another A!!!! what should the reward be for this good girl???
27 comments ·
Views: 287 · Added: 12 days ago
first off: Thank you very much for commenting and contributing to my last blog about the act of violence that happened to Shia LaBeouf early this year.
I am following the whole discussion and news reports about this incident on a daily basis. The Vanillas are trying SO HARD to judge and explain the thing. OF COURSE they (the VANILLAS!!!) know all about it! Here's some stuff I stumbled across:
1) "A man can't be raped" - (??? Come again? Seriously??? Oh my...)
2) "If he hated it he would've fought her off!"
(So does that mean he's a "hidden spanko" and actually liked getting whipped? Wow! Lucky man! I mean what were the odds that this really would happen???)
3) "Maybe he froze and took it because he was shocked"
(A whipping with a bullwhip, we're talking here... about 10 minutes on his LEGS!!! IN MY experience that doesn't make you FREEZE, it's more like... the complete opposite!!!)
Seriously, I wished 50 Shades of Bullshit never had been published!!!
17 comments ·
Views: 121 · Added: 12 days ago
Thanks to all who have messaged me and welcomed me here. It's appreciated. I'm watching and learning a lot about you all, although I have messaged one or two others who I'd love to hear from but who haven't yet responded.
I've met someone who is of interest to me (not a ST member) and she seems to have similar interests. It'll be fun trying to find out for sure.
Views: 144 · Added: 12 days ago
Good afternoon spankos! It has been brought to my attention (although unnecessarily) that I don't post enough on my blog. Since I haven't posted any videos, let me at least correct one problem lol. As far as the videos go, I was asked specifically not to post a few by the spankee due to some of the personal things talked about during the punishment. I am currently single so if you need someone who can spank you more than once in a blue moon you, maybe we should talk. I can be reached here or thru my email firstname.lastname@example.org. On to the reason I am writing this blog. It's been overstated much on this site and everywhere else, but it still holds true. Honesty really is everything. As a dominant, I express fully what I demand/expect from those I have disciplined. This gives the submissive a clear idea of what will cause punishment, and behavior to avoid if you don't want corrective action. It is also the base for any relationship. If you can honestly say what you need and want from your partner, then there will be no let down. As a born dom I am very intuitive about what a sub needs from me, and can read past what is being said at times. However, if you don't express what you need, then how can you expect all your desires to be realized? Not every relationship is forever, but those based on a lie are doomed from the beginning. Honesty builds trust. Trust is what allows you to have a successful relationship of any kind. ESPECIALLY in DD. Trust leads to respect, which ends in happiness. And who doesn't want that? Respect, Mr. Diezel
Views: 93 · Added: 13 days ago
[size=200]We were wondering if there are any northeast Ohio ladies out there that would be interested in doing some videos with us. If so, message us. Once we get to know each other, we will work out the details and progress from there.[/size]
Views: 118 · Added: 13 days ago
All I want for Christmas is a good spanking on my bare butt.
Views: 86 · Added: 13 days ago
After a 2 week hiatus, my butt was warmed up with 18 swats thin lexan, 12 swats with the SUE, and 3 with the Board. My wife was swatting hard, but the swats were landing a bit high. She had me draw a target on my butt, and will practice her aim with all 3 paddles. Will record it for ST fans enjoyment!