I still hold back my anger at times. I am very, very strong and more so like anyone when I'm angry. I've always had anger management issues even growing up. My parents had a hard time controlling me and they spanked even. A LOT. Aside from all of this I do feel content in knowing that there is nothing I can do physically while fighting a spanking that would make my Dom leave me or quit his Domliness. He has walked away and stated, "I'm not fighting you right now" and let me cool off and continued the discipline later. I'm not a sub by any stretch of the means, but I do have submissive tendencies. I have my moments of submission, but that's just it they're moments and few and far between. It's complicated. I am very submissive yet I'm not. I suppose I am submissive in that I submit to him to the degree that I chose to be with him and submit to him being the Top in the relationship.
To make a long story short our previous DD relationship has been on hiatus for the past 3 years since we moved here. I still consider us DD because it still exists just not to the degree that it existed before. We went from lots of rules and spankings every day to only sometimes and going for long periods with nothing. It's nobodys fault. It's lame to say, but we actually have a good excuse. Without divulging too much personal info about it my boyfriend worked 14 hour days 7 days a week for over two years straight with little break in between. He was basically a slave to his workplace and he had little choice. It sucked the life out of both of us. On a happier note he is now on days and in a normal routine and works less hours. To say the job is less stressful is an understatement.
Our DD relationship before we moved here was rock solid. Not perfect. Nothing is perfect. It was good though. We're now trying to salvage what's left of our DD relationship now that we are able to breathe again. We're trying to figure things out. Like how we're going to go about getting things back not only to the way things were, but how things SHOULD be. After having no boundaries for so long (for the most part) I'm fighting it kicking and screaming like an obstinate child. Which is completely absurd because it's what we both want. It's honestly an inner battle with me. I want it deep down, yet I don't. I know I don't want to live without spanking in my life. Maybe we should focus on not going back to the way things were, but on making things better even.
Thanks to those that read this and please, I'd love feedback. Just to make a note about that though. I'm not looking for judgement. I've been in the lifestyle long enough to know there is no right or wrong in this. How each individual/couple chooses to live this lifestyle is their own deal. One persons version of DD isn't the same as another. Everyones perception is different. Which is what makes the world go round. If everyone were the same, ugh! How boring! It WOULD be easier, however, if there actually WAS a big book of right and wrongs and how to's in the Sspanko world. There's only a wrong here in the sense that we're both not happy in the level to which we've been living and/or not living the lifestyle. Now that we finally have time and can breathe again have we realized how far away from it we've gotten.
I have a feeling we're going to jump in head first and it's not going to be easy. I had mentioned to him yesterday while we were out that I got angry at this guy Thursday night at a drop in hockey game for trash talking us girls and for being sexist and well, a jerk. He was like 6'3 or more and about 250lbs or more. He had skill I have to give him that. He just kept flapping his beak though. Pick, pick, pick and I finally snapped. Anyway, my Dom/bf asked, "What happened"??? In a tone I decided I didn't like. I immediately got defensive and said, Fine I guess I won't tell you anything then. To cut to the chase I committed a "crime" much like the no no of hitting from behind. It's right up there. I had a lapse in judgment because I was angry. There it is again that anger. I told him the whole story last night when we got home and I was still very defensive. He's totally right though, grrrr!
This has been really long winded and I probably lost most of you way back and I apologize. We are going to talk about this some more later today and I will let you all know what we decide and to what level we will continue on with our DD life.
Thanks for listening!